I worked for a large alcoholic beverage manufacturer and the corporate culture with super toxic, the work I was doing was itself very stressful. Do most people trust their coworkers to vent to? Copyright 2021. You may even criticize it in yourself and wish you could stop it. perfection. Hey now, thats not very charitable. Our lives are like that. Negativity, like an emotional virus, is contagious. But then someone said OK, lets agree that when the wine arrives well stop talking about work, and we did. We shouldnt complain wouldnt (and clearly didnt) land well. My partner had a major injury a few years ago and for six months didnt talk about anything else. I would like to add that if this has become a problem since COVID, then there may be more than just work to it and if you can help her reconnect with some of her pre COVID support system it could really help her manage the stress of the last couple of years as well as taking the pressure off LW as the only person she is venting to. If something uncommonly annoying occurred, that gets a controlled rant. Walk more. Meanwhile, I want to know how things are going for my spouse at work, but hes just complaining and working himself up to being stressed about it again. *double sigh*. I started looking for the positive when I realized that was true. I know this might not work for everyone, but it really helps her decompress from work on the drive home, without taking up all of our dinner or evening with the ranting. Usually a physical outlet of some kind helps with frustration. This! Trying to correct me or redirect me at a time like that just adds fuel to the fire and makes the storm last longer. Oh, stop complaining about the weather. With my ex-husband, it also started to feel like enabling after a while- he hated his job, and would complain about it endlessly, but always had a reason why he couldnt/wouldnt change jobs. Do you have any ideas? Whenever something goes wrong, they need you to drop whatever youre doing and hear it. Or, Argh I had such a dayIm glad youre home, lets take a walk! Yes, and enforce it even if awkward. Try this technique with your MIL, mentioned in a thread above (which I have also used with great success): I hear you, that sounds hard what are you planning to do about it?. I hereby sentence that woman to read all 6542 pages of NotAlwaysRight dot com. Put your complaints on paper and evaluate them. So all that frustration and anger over something that never even happened. Venting wasnt limited to dinner time and it took a massive toll on my mental health. And now Im ranting about HIS ranting! She is an author, in-demand presenter and international speaker known for engaging, entertaining, educating and empowering audiences of all sizes and backgrounds. So now whenever I start complaining about work to her, she just flat out says to me, Stop talking about work or if its that bad, go to HR, not me. So now I instinctively stop myself from complaining about work when with her or my parents, and only share the good stuff. the habit of complaining, evaluate what that might look like from the outside. Are you at that point where you over-analyze what she says and you incorrectly interpret it as complaining? Good luck! Housing complaints I would also absolutely hate this. 10 Best Ways To Deal With Employees Who Complain - Eggcellent Work LW will know best about this, but if shes not a contant complainer by nature, and if she has this much to complain about every day, the problem is the job. All that means is that I need to express the stress in some way punching a pillow, screaming into a pillow, furious dancing, vigorous walk, sometimes even a cry so that the stress Im feeling internally gets out of my body and I can start to calm down. I can pay attention to other things and nod and say encouraging words (per Mr. Rock: No! Ill be trying to apply some of these suggestions. Those who are able to stay in the present moment longerthat means less stressing about past events or worrying about future onesare also more able to complain less. I admit this may be different for chronic complainers, but I have to admit I find what are you planning to do about it? super grating. One of the points the author makes is that dwelling on an unpleasant experience only prolongs the unpleasantness. Do you want that person on your team? This would go over TERRIBLY in my household. 1. If so, retail can be pretty ugly. Its really tiring to hear constant daily complaints from people, no matter how much you love them. YES, my first thought on reading this was Im positive CA had a wonderful response about this., Heres the link: https://captainawkward.com/2019/11/26/it-came-from-the-search-terms-cold-november-wind/. Second, some people find success with we can complain for 10 minutes and then we move on to the rest of our night agreements. This might actually work for her and that may be why she is doing it! Not that no one should ever complain about anything, but theres value in knowing your audience and picking your battles. ), I listen to the amount that I am willing to listen to, and I point out that were both home together and he deserves better than having them steal his free time in addition to his on the clock time. Weeklong all zoom conference with minimal breaks? Like instead of saying this is your time, you can do what you like, saying something like it sounds like you need a break. Youre burnt out! Chronic complaining is a toxic habit with so many negative repercussions. The two of them need to hash it out and see if there is some way to zone the whining, adopt the take a walk after work habit and make that the only complaint time, or whatever other approach will make this less onerous. I think also finding ways to refocus the venting can help like taking a walk or working out. It should make it easier to deal with, knowing its part of their condition, but its still exhausting and hard to take. Complaining is useful . Hes also tried taking some steps to improve his work life, like being very rigid about limiting his hours (successful!) I especially think it could work if you both instituted a 45-minute solo wind-down time when you each get home from work (to do solo activities like LifeBeforeCorona suggested). Let us know what marketing emails you are interested in by updating your email preferences here. Or by submitting a written letter of complaint to your BBB (please include. This 100%. 5. As soon as your wife comes home, suggest that the first hour is her time. - Adam Mellor, ONE Gas, Inc. 4. Sometimes its about petty stuff, sure, but just because someone else has it worse or its not nice doesnt mean it needs to be completely shut down. A comment about me complaining is more apt to elicit a defensive response though so the wording is key, I think. There are other times when an interested outsider may find an answer that we don't think of because we're too immersed in the problem. (I learned this from one of Suzette Haden Elgins books on The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, which are fascinating reads.) Loudly.) Maybe listening enough to figure whether its Kent still hasnt figured out reply-all or layoffs are imminent and inevitable sorts of things can help with timing this. I just dont react to it anymore- or at least not as often or as deeply. You need to pick a time that is not right after work and not dinner and just set a boundary. I was this person before I changed my job. My partner rarely complains about work, he lets most things roll off him and I think I went into hyper-drive complaining during the pandemic because we were spending so much time together. She can read, watch trash TV, play games, take a nap, make a cup of her favourite beverage along with a little snack. Submit a complaint It seemed to work them up more and I worried about the additional stress that rehashing/complaining brought on. Im late to this party, but I have been on both sides of this thing-Ive been both the complainer and the complained-to. - John Feldmann, Insperity, All too often, when a manager disciplines or terminates an employee for poor performance, its a total surprise to the employee, resulting in a variety of complaints for HR to handle. Now hes gone back to the office, and its helped a lot. Having that type of constant negativity can be really hard to deal with in the background of the house all the time even if everyone is speaking calmly and respectfully to each other. Fortunately I have a better job now, so ranting is limited but the cats are great listeners! You dont have to absorb the stress, just help them unload it. One thing I struggle with is being very long winded in my explanations, and that was part of what was draining on him when I complained. What changed was that I decided I didnt want to be treated this way and divorced him. Do you often feel none of the work you (or others) do seems good enough? She can need someone to vent to, but that doesnt obligate you to be that person, every day, forever. I found that 20mg of Lexapro a day made living with a chronic complainer and fault finder much easier. Watch the video to see how it's done: Tip: Speak in Specific, Actionable Terms Without boundaries, one person's complaining behavior can bring down a whole team. About everything. I fully realize some of them may be off base, so feel very free to ignore me if none of this applies. Maybe shell see how frustrating it would be to have to be on the other end of that all the time and will keep her complaints to that journal. Spouse and I have had a lot of success using techniques from the Gottman method, as taught to us by a marriage counselor. It worked, really well. When youre working a stress-free job and shes not, it can be easy to lose sight of how work frustrations can get to you, which isnt to say youre not sympathetic, but if shes getting that upset, it miiiight not feel like it to her. Ultimately, it's best not to take your work home with you in the form of complaining about it after hours unless you're working toward a solution. I know that I tend to rant about what is happening in my work, but I genuinely try to find the humour and ridiculousness in it. Conversation was over. my wife's complaints about work are overwhelming me If it was a really bad day, Ill bring him a beer or a glass of whiskey to help. Complaining about work was a form of trauma bonding, and when I realized what a toll it was taking on my mental health (and I was the complainer!) Basically, when we hold a thought or experience a feeling, massive amounts of neurons are triggered. I am not saying that you need a divorce. Depending on the place youre working you might not even be able to vent/commiserate with your colleagues, if youre super visible and cant be seen chatting or if youre stuck in a booth by yourself or just too busy to talk to anyone. Ive tried the I hear you, that sounds hard what are you planning to do about it? with some chronic complainers in the family, and it frequently brings the complaining to a grinding halt. Im pretty sure my husband could have written this letter about me a few years ago. Most of the time Im the complainer in our household. I couldnt live like this. Otherwise, you need to start thinking of ways to protect your mental health. Is your wife feeling stuck in her role? Because its not about changing her behavior. I think I stood this for about 18 momths, trying everything I knew to make her feel better at least temporarily, but in the end i said to her I cant do this anymore I think that fact that you vent to me keeps you just stable enough to stay in this shitty job of yours instead of focusing on a way out, which means Im actually making things worse for you. Its okay to say I can deal with ten minutes/can we only do this twice a week rather than every day/can you do this particular kind of venting at someone whos not me. At my old job we would schedule Zoom meetings for the supervisor team that were just an excuse for us to complain and vent to each other to spare our families I ended up taking a new role and theres much less need for that type of outlet. 4. I wish you both luck in finding a new level of understanding and peace! You may find that your mutual issues are because of a misunderstanding. I wouldnt just suggest therapy for one but maybe for both of them. Its just her complaining his listening-from his perspective. Yes, we are in pandemic times and everyone is struggling with their own circumstances. MJ Vigil, PEMCO Insurance, Unfortunately, some employers still dont realize that work-life balance is necessary for keeping employees engaged. So my suggestion is to help your wife find a creative outlet, whether its blasting music in her ears, talking to an effigy, creating a YouTube channel, joining a crossfit gym, throwing paint at a wall, or something else. The idea that you need to vent anger or it will become stored up and need to be released eventually is a myth. By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Here's how to address an office complainer with compassion and without letting their moods and needs throw you off balance. He was really unhappy in a job that was made even more stressful by the pandemic, and he seemed to complain about work non-stop when he got home. And like all habits, it is totally under your control. Their wife presumably has friends or something (and if not, thats a very different problem). You dont have to fix her issues or even care that much. Its entirely fair for other people to set a limit at some point on how much verbal processors can fill the air with repetitive talking. Alison. The drive home was my daily venting time, when I would have a long-winded non-stop gripe about all the annoying work stuff. Many bullies claim they are being bullied. Sadly, the bullied employee is usually too scared to discuss. Talk to the employee 9. When the mind perceives a threat (as happens when we remind ourselves of how bad things are at work, for example), the body's stress response is triggered and a cascade of changes occur that help us to fight or flee. Feels Good in the Moment A little bit of complaining about co-workers, bosses, clients, and the daily grind can feel cathartic. As Allison suggested, it would be beneficial to set a limit to her venting time. It can feel like I need to tread carefully, otherwise my good news gets ignored and all the bad stuff from their work comes out. So I turned to that for my outlet. but she thinks they used the wrong color on the end (no, Momthats just the only part of the house thats in full sunlight), etc. We do kind of the same thing, but playing with the dog in the backyard. That all being said, I can tell you something that works for me. And while intellectually you understand its the disease, emotionally it is hard and extremely draining! Its a skill all of us need to have. He knew she just wanted to let off steam. I think it was good and healthy for both of us, and it kept me from spending my evenings spiraling over issues at work. At this point, are you open to having conversations with your spouse about her work concerns if they are constructive ones? For me though, I think I saw complaining as a way to bond and connect with others, I thought we were commiserating but thats not how everyone likes to socialize. Let er Rip! For only X/min Ill listen to your complaints and appropriately throw in No!, Really?, She didnt!, Well that sucks. Win-win-win: complainer gets to let it go, SO doesnt have to listen, and I get paid. The irony was lost on the chronic complainers, too. Learn more here. And its not always as simple as well, change jobs if you hate it so much. It seems to me that OP has not been clear enough with his wife that this is no longer sustainable and some kind of change needs to be made. It was super helpful because it was always available and I could pick it up any time I became overwhelmed by anger, anxiety, etc. But every day? I very much do not think OP is being selfish. You have options: Chronic work complaints are (obviously) a sign that you My husband being more involved in the conversation- really hearing and validating my experience, and also actively bringing up other topics besides work A walk in particular is a great idea as the rhythmic exercise may help her to regulate. However, you'll get at least that level of response if you write or email the chief executive directly, by name. But it also explains more why their wife may not have taken it well and didnt seem open to it. Or when you simply want to scoff at something that happened in a meeting. petty and inconsequential? He also took the opportunity to talk to his therapist about this, when he realized how frequently he was thinking and stressing about work outside of work, and though he is still in the same job that really doesnt like, hes had success in detaching himself emotionally from it so that it doesnt invade every other part of his life and his happiness. Yes! Im definitely the complainer in my relationship, and it is important to be conscientious of the recipient of that. How To File A Complaint About Your Insurance Company Your wife is stuck in this pattern. People dont want advice when they dont ask, so getting the intention out of the way first makes it way easier to be an active participant in vent sessions, even if actively participating simply amount to ugh that sucks every so often. While it *technically* is a choice, a lot of people process their feelings best verbally, and it isnt a moral failing to do so. I try and set a five minute rule for complaining about work. OP, perhaps suggesting a rule like this could help place some boundaries for yall. Suggest a time limit and some other healthy coping mechanisms. In the weeks following this conversation, when my partner would complain, Id listen and then point out that a therapist might have more objective suggestions. Here are some actionable tips to get you started on a more mindful, positive journey. The Career Success Library is a convenient, affordable online learning center for career advancers includingadministrative professionals,emerging leaders, and anyone else who wants toleverage the power of ongoing professional development. He was getting more and more frustrated with his job, and the first hour or two after he came back from work was just him ranting about his co-workers, his manager, his managers manager, the high volume of work he completed compared to everyone else, the temperature in the office (old govt building) etc. Consider adding a strategic and technical career track for outstanding employees who will not be outstanding managers but still add value. She may or may not know what it is shes looking for out of the complaining, and its not your responsibility to help her figure it out. So I have a strict limit of 5mins to air my grievances to the world, then move on. I feel bad for the OPs wife (not because of the OP, but because I work in a job which, while I mostly like it most of the time, involves a lot of emotional labor too), and cynical about all the comments suggesting that shes probably just a super negative habitual whiner who should make better choices. Sometimes people complain to receive sympathy or support, but when they complain to find a solution, this type of exchange can lead to real-world results, and that can mean less stress in the long run. Obviously that sucks, cant wait to get back to normal scheduling. He has gotten much better now and has helped me improve my complaining as well. Its about enforcing your boundaries. Approach the topic with kindness, set some boundaries, and see if your partner needs a new job or would consider therapy. Having been on the receiving end of that statement, it helps to be acknowledged (yes, youre right, everyone else is an idiot, whatever) and then asked to stop the rant train. by Chrissy Scivicque | Feb 10, 2020 | General Career Advice. Designated times to discuss it It doesnt work for everyone; some folks need the feedback/sympathy of actually talking to someone. You can generally find the details on the company's website or . is thats bothering you. Does it pay well or have really good benefits? If you are already in the habit of complaining, you can "catch yourself" doing it and then redirect yourself from talking about what's frustrating you to what is pleasing you. Complaints about consumer products and services. key performance indicators, targets, goals) are clearly established between employees and respective leaders. Define what thing(s) about Current Job that make her miserable so she can screen those out in her search. 2023 Dotdash Media, Inc. All rights reserved. Have staff meetings 8. Maybe start a YouTube where she can just vent it all out. On Black Friday, a woman tried to have me fired for putting her purchase in a . 2. He lovingly pointed these things out to me, and after talking it through, I figured out what I was looking for in a new job, what my non-negotiables are, and started looking. and nature of the beast part. (Plus, over time you'll be creating a record of all the things in life that make you happy, which you can read over at any time.). Im currently in a relationship with a habitual complainer, so Im going to go back through the comments to see what advice I can learn. single. It helped keep work complaints in perspective, gave us the outlet to word vomit about the verbal abuse we suffered, and kept catharsis from taking over the rest of the day. I can say whatever I please and no one is really gonna listen. Because my complaining has developed in part from growing up in an environment where I was discouraged from expressing any emotions, my instinct was to get defensive when it was brought up. Hes also in school, so he doesnt have a lot of free time to decompress or to address some of the personal stuff like housework that contributes to general stress levels. Ive distanced myself from a few friends who would complain about work, and then go on to complain aboutwell, everything. It was really noticable we talked about it, and he agreed that his anxiety had been ramping up more and more over the course of a few months without him quite realising, and that our conversation had made him realise that this was happening. Not only is their energy draining, but theyre stressful to be around because theyre never satisfied with anything, theyre super critical of others, and nothing anyone does for them or just in general is ever good enough. Wife, I am having a hard time spending dinner every night complaining about work, and Id like us to change the pattern were in so that we can both relax and unwind when were together at home. However, Allisons suggestion to be explicit about how the complaining negatively effects you is spot on. cycle. Indeed, he is not empathetic. Your wife needs to be in therapy, looking for a new job, or some combination of the two. And I dont have time to myself to decompress after work. Next time she starts, use that to initiate a serious conversation about if she thinks shed be happier in another job. Running water is usually safer to drink. and we spent a lot of time navigating these types of boundaries. Even if Mysticism isnt your bag, theres usually some innate psychology built into mystical practice. Far less stress. My husband and I commuted (car-pooled) together, over an hour each way. Continue normally and move forward. We really stirred each other up about how stupid everyone else was or looked or acted. That can be a sign of work martyrdom, a common affliction in which people overextend themselves with other peoples work problems in order to feel valuable. Yeah, physical exercise is great for getting rid of all the stress hormones. It is helpful to be able to get any feelings out of the way shortly after the end of the work day so they can be put aside and we can focus on other things. complain about someone or something. You should look out for yourself and she has to deal with the consequences and find a better path forward. I have very intense conversations in the shower. And let me tell you, my job is NUTS. You dont have to complain about everything, means OP hears all or most of what his wife says as a complaint. The psychology of anger venting and empirically supported alternatives that do no harm. It is imperative to the health of your relationship that you stop being the recipient of all of your wifes complaints. Agree with the idea of taking a few walks around the block (or the equivalent) for venting time. I have mentioned the book to my boss and another supervisor and they are interested in getting copies too. So if you complain often enough and make it a habit to see situations from a negative point-of-view, you won't stop. Verywell Mind's content is for informational and educational purposes only. I was thinking the same thing, the way LW describes their wife sounds like it might be a bigger personality clashdid you marry a kvetcher, knowing this about her and thinking of it as a minor flaw you could live with? If he is going on a bit of a negative rant for a bit too long, I say now say something positive and hes forced to find one positive thing to say, however random it may be. Since a lot of their frustrations were tied to personal stressors, I suggested getting a therapist. It would also tell me that my spouse expects me to be on for him,too, and to change my personality (which isnt bubbling with positivity at all (I am definitely more realistic by nature, which people read as negative, also annoying as hell) trying to change that made me miserable as hell). to protest someone or something; to grouch about someone or something. So there are strategies for that kind of decompression if youre working at home, you just may have to get creative because theyre not as obvious. Lots of good advice here, but Im going to suggest something a bit off the wall: rubber ducking. It was the difference between how was your day resulting in an hour plus of stressed out ranting vs. it was fine! Two things that changed that are out of this OPs control: 1.) The outcome became that a) there was no room for me to talk about my problems because his took up so much air; by the time he was done complaining I really didnt have energy to share my own feelings, b) he never got any happier because surprise, spending most of your outside-of-work conversations on work and whats wrong with work and how miserable you are at work doesnt actually make you feel better, and c) I was getting burnt out. laid off, youll look pretty out of touch trying to spin that as a good thing. I dont know whether its the fresh air, the possibility of neighbors within earshot but even his complaints arent as bad? My husband and I do the complaining while walking the dogs. in ways that involve a lot of bottling up. Unless you used monkey123 as a password. By explaining in that way it helps you to understand exactly what you are feeling, and what you want them to understand. I think as a partner you have some responsibility to allow her to vent to you, but I know that unlimited venting can destroy partner and familial relationships because the negativity just SPIRALS and yet because you are their partner or family member, you want to be supportive.